In most partnerships, dividing responsibilities comes naturally, but when it comes to household finances, far too often one partner takes the reins while the other quietly steps back. More often than not it’s the woman in the relationship who decides to be more hands-off the family wealth.
Studies by the Ontario Securities Commission has found that women often defer to their spouses because they feel they lack the financial knowledge to make those decisions (though that same research finds this is more of a confidence issue than a knowledge-based one). While some see this hands-off attitude as a fair trade-off, since there are other decisions where they’re the key decisionmaker, this convenience can quickly become a vulnerability.
No one likes to think about it, but life can change in an instant. Whether through divorce or the death of a partner, as many as 90% of women will find themselves making critical financial decisions for the first time on their own, often under intense pressure.
The decisions made in those moments – about assets, settlements and long-term security – can shape the years that follow. For many, the reality of being on the outside of financial decisions often only surface when circumstances change. “Sometimes women choose to work longer than they need to because they’re simply not sure what they have,” says Carol Willes, Estate Planner at BMO Private Wealth. “Or the opposite can be true. They’re not paying attention, and they run the risk of running out of money.”
Understanding how this happens is the first step to doing something about it. That means looking honestly at why proactive involvement matters and knowing how to build real confidence in wealth conversations – before life demands it.
Why proactive involvement matters
For most couples, financial responsibility evolves gradually. One partner may run a business or manage investments. The other may focus on a career, children or community involvement. Over time, that division of labour becomes routine, which has been shaped as much by generational expectations and cultural norms as by practical necessity.
In Willes’ experience, many women still tend to step back from the financial decision-making, including estate planning and discussions about the family’s financial goals. For instance, a couple may agree to support children, retire comfortably or protect a legacy, yet only one partner understands how those outcomes are structured and funded.
Willes recalls walking a couple through what she calls an estate fire drill – a step-by-step look at how assets would flow if one partner died. Despite being engaged and informed, the wife discovered she wasn’t a beneficiary of the family trusts and, with no automatic right to the assets held within them, that there wasn’t enough accessible money to run the household.
“She could see the structure and understand what it is,” she explains. “But she didn’t know what it does if somebody dies.”
The gap in understanding can be particularly evident in high-net-worth families, where assets may be held across operating companies, holding companies, trusts and cross-border properties. Estate freezes and tax strategies may shape how value flows over the course of decades. For a partner who hasn’t been involved in building those structures, the picture can be genuinely difficult to digest. Often, it’s hard to know what questions to ask, or even where to begin.
“There’s often confusion around what the structures are for and what’s sitting inside them,” says Deborah Desforges, Director of Wealth Planning at BMO Private Wealth. “And from that confusion comes a lack of confidence in asking, so they just ignore it.”
The consequences show up in ways people don’t anticipate – surprise tax bills, assets that don’t flow the way you expected, or a plan that doesn’t deliver what you both intended.
Starting the conversation
Getting more involved in the family finances rarely requires a dramatic shift. Rather, it can start with a single question – and the confidence to ask it. “There’s a little bit of intimidation about asking,” says Willes.
That happened recently, when one of Willes’ clients reached out privately to better understand her family’s financial picture. “I am annoyed that I don’t understand any of this stuff, and it all affects me,” Willes relayed of the client’s frustration.
Willes brought together the client and the full financial team for a detailed information session. After walking through the entire structure and mapping how assets would flow, we identified what needed to change, she says. “It was an empowering day.”
Building confidence before life demands it
Financial confidence is more than a personal milestone. A 2025 BMO Wealth Management study found that women who defer financial decisions to their spouse are the least likely to feel confident when circumstances change, with many taking two years or longer to regain their footing.
By contrast, women who are actively involved in managing household finances most often feel confident within a year. In addition, women who work with a financial advisor during a major life change are significantly more likely to regain their footing and establish long-term stability, with 97% reporting that their advisor had a positive impact on their financial confidence.
A good place to start is by requesting a meeting with your financial team. For example, Desforges always includes an organizational chart in every plan she delivers to clients. “We make sure the client knows that should something happen to their partner, here are the people you need to come and see,” she says.
From there, ask the question Willes often raises with her own clients: If my partner were gone tomorrow, where would the money come from to run this household?
An “estate fire drill” takes the discussion further. Sit down with your advisor to discuss exactly how your assets would flow if you lost your partner. It is also worth letting your advisor know if parts of the conversation are unclear, notes Desforges.
“If we’re made aware that someone doesn’t really understand the structure, I make sure to take check-in breaks and make sure they understand.”
